There can be times in a marriage where your relationship starts to feel less like a partnership and more like an accounting ledger. You feel like you are looking at a chart of checks and balances saying, "I don't know. You are correct about us being low in the sex column but I feel we must tackle the dishes and laundry deficit before we can make a deposit." We look at all the things going on in life and want to get the details taken care of before we think about creating love.
Sometimes our spouse can be left feeling like another item to check off on your to do list rather than a partner with you in life. Our relationship becomes more about what our spouse can do for us instead of what we can accomplish together.
I get it though, life is hectic. Schedules become filled in the blink of an eye and we can feel like we just don't have time for affection. It's also harder to make time for someone that we perceive isn't doing the same for us. We can become resentful of our spouses "lack of support" and withhold some of the things they want. This idea of not giving unless we have received can derail a relationship pretty quickly. Our love becomes conditional.
I know it's hard to see it that way when you are in the situation. We don't think about how our refusals to participate are affecting out spouse. We only see things from our side. We are hurt by our spouse and retaliate with a hurt of our own. In our eyes it was justified. After all, we wouldn't have done it if they hadn't _________. The cycle of rejection and retaliation begins. Often when things get messy we still don't see our responsibility in making it that way. When there are so many reasons behind our actions it's always easier to shift the blame to someone else. Then it becomes their responsibility to fix it. We withhold love hoping it will motivate our partner to change their ways.
Let's take a quick look at a different type of relationship, the one we have with our children. (If you don't have kids then you could maybe think of a pet or another close relationship.) If your child were to not do their chores would you refuse to feed them? If they broke, say, your favorite mug would you not speak to them for a week? If they yelled at you and called you a name would you leave and never come back? You wouldn't think of it. You would still love them, still take care of them and still try to help them be the best they can be. You would, for sure, be frustrated, maybe angry but it wouldn't prevent you from acting in their best interest. That's unconditional love. No matter what, they know we will be there for them. This is exactly the kind of love we are all hoping to be able to receive. We know we aren't perfect (at least I hope we do) but we still expect our spouse to overlook our imperfections. So why is it so hard to look over theirs?
What would you think is the easiest way to inspire unconditional love in someone? I believe it's to give them love unconditionally. This can be very, very hard to do! There can be a lot of hurt and resentment built up in a marriage. There might be years of neglect, distance and anger between you! You might not want to let go of that and act in a loving manner towards your spouse but how can we expect our partners to give us something we are unwilling to offer them?
Let's take a look at what we would want our relationship to be like. I'm guessing you want to feel supported. You would like more fun and happiness in your life. You most likely want to be in a partnership with someone you can trust and lean on in hard times. I'm betting this is what you thought you would get when you signed up for this marriage thing. I'm also guessing you already feel you are doing more than your share and it's really your partners fault things aren't going according to plan. That would definitely make things easier, right? Then it would be their responsibility to fix all their shortcomings, make up for all the hurts and right all the wrongs.
The problem is you can't MAKE anyone change and we can't control what our spouse does or doesn't do. You could spend your entire life miserable, waiting for your spouse to do all the changing to make you happy and it just might never happen. After all, it's possible they are thinking the same thing and waiting for you to do the changing. Someone has to make the first move. Why shouldn't it be you?
Once you are in a bad cycle in your marriage it can be very difficult to create change. After all, the more negative things that happen, the further you get away from the good times, the easier it is to forget what you loved about this person in the first place. So many couples get divorced because they get to a point where they, "don't love each other anymore". I'm going to go out on a limb and get a lot of people angry with me right now but I am just going to say it anyway. That's a cop out! Love isn't just a feeling that comes and goes at whim. If that were true there would be a lot of abandoned kids out there who's parents, "didn't love them anymore" either. Love is something we chose to do. It is more than what we feel at any given moment. Love is also something that is very active and it CAN be created.
Have you heard the phrase, "fake it 'till you make it". I think that best describes what I'm talking about here. Don't get me wrong, this is not something easy that I'm asking you to do. I do know what I'm talking about from experience though.
In my marriage there was a time when I did not love my husband. In fact I despised him. I was angry at him, hurt by him and depressed by the state of my life. I didn't stay with him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't stay with him because of the kids. I didn't even stay with him because I knew that divorce was not God's best plan for my life. To be completely honest with you the only reason I stayed was out of fear. I was afraid of what I would do on my own. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to make ends meet and I was afraid that no one else would want me.
I know the desperation someone feels in a failing marriage. I know the anguish of a soul that feels unloved and unlovable. I understand the heartbreak a person feels when they see that the person that knows them best in the world doesn't really like them. Something needed to change and only you can change it!
The difficulty in any relationship is that you only control half of it. As much as we would like the people in our lives to live by our rules, they make their own decisions. There is no way you can force change. If you have ever dealt with someone who has an addiction you will understand this. As much as you see their addiction destroying them and even they know how harmful it is, you just can't MAKE them stop. In a marriage it's much the same way. You can feel how something your spouse does hurts you. You can see how your marriage is suffering but you can't force your spouse to change. The only person in your relationship you can control is yourself, so if you want things to change you're going to have to create it yourself. You might have been holding back from doing kind or loving things for your spouse because you were hurt but it's possible they are doing the same thing with you. If you act loving, even when you don't feel loving it will help to break the negative cycle and start you on your way to a more positive one. This might take a long time. You might even be met with resistance from your spouse at first. They might be suspicious of kindness from you depending on how bad things have gotten.
So, let's go back to the idea of an accounting ledger. The further you are "in debt" the longer it will take to get out. In time your spouse will see your kindness and your loving actions and that will start to create better feelings towards you. They might not respond right away with kindness and love of their own. It might take time and there will most likely need to be a conversation as some point about what you would like from your spouse, what is important to you and what is, in turn, important to them so you can start better meeting each others needs. It might be best though, to wait until you have built some better favor and greater trust to have that conversation. Just so your spouse is a little more receptive to what you have to say.
Giving that unconditional love can mean sacrifice on our part. It will mean we might need to wait longer to have our needs met but it does give us the best chance of achieving success. By success I don't just mean a civil arrangement where you simply tolerate one another. Success to me, means happy, loving and thriving. My relationship might still have a few big bumps to iron out (relationships aren't ever wrinkle free) but we have come a long way and we are definitely working together now instead of against each other. That what I always hoped for.
I don't know that there is any marriage where one spouse is totally happy and the other feels empty. After you have build up a little positivity towards you a conversation with your spouse will be fairly necessary. It would be good to tell them that you know neither one of you is happy at the moment but that you don't want things to be continue this way and ask them how they think you could both work to improve your relationship. This shows that you are not blaming them. It puts you in the same boat together and will start to create a better partnership. Also, for the most part, guys tend to be fixers. If his wife comes with him with a problem that she needs his help in fixing, that might give him the confidence and ego boost he needs to throw himself into solving the issues in your marriage. It will build your companionship, trust and partnership.
When you talk to your spouse about your relationship, be prepared to hear things that they would like you to change. They aren't going to say things like, "I can be more supportive, I can help you more around the house, I can take on more responsibility with the kids, I can compliment you daily and bring you flowers once a month." I'm pretty sure their responses will be about the things that YOU can change. They won't come right out and offer to change all the things that upset you. Try to be patient with that. When they tell you things that are bothering them, do your best to change without complaint. That will be the best way to build up trust with them so they are more willing to negotiate the points that are issues for you. It will be a sacrifice at first and it might be a hard season for you but it is your best chance of building a mutually supportive relationship and repairing the damage that has already been done.
If you want your relationship to work, you're going to have to do the work. If you aren't willing to put in at least a little effort then you have no chance for success. So you might as well give something new a try. After all, what you have been doing isn't working for you and what else have you got to loose?
Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Surviving a Sexless Marriage
Living in a sexless marriage is a gut-wrenching, painful experience. Part of that pain comes from living with the embarrassment and shame that keep you quiet and cause you to feel so isolated and alone. We have now reached one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog (and also one of the reasons it must be anonymous). I know the agony, the desperation and the desire for escape that you feel. I know how hard it can be to break out of that cycle and I know how often it leads to mistakes, regrets and divorce. I also understand how pointless it all is. There is no reason to have a sexless marriage! We just one day realize we are in one and we have no idea how to fix it. Most often the "fix" is divorce. Believe me, I understand the desire to get out. I felt it, oh so powerfully! I believe the ONLY reason I did not go down that road was that I had no idea how I would care for my children. Only because of them did I not walk away. I even had Christian people that were near and dear to me, that I was able to confide in tell me that they wished they could tell me to get out. Even to them my situation looked so desperate, bleak and difficult to resolve. But they could not tell me to leave my husband and there is a good reason for that. It would not have been the right thing to do and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
Telling you to stay with your partner and just live in a shell of a marriage is not what I'm saying though. I am not condemning you to a life of misery and loneliness. I would not tell you to stay if I did not truly believe that your issues can be resolved and resolving them is the right thing to do. Whatever your situation is, it can be fixed. You do not have to have a sexless marriage because you can get your intimacy back! I'm not saying it won't be hard and that it won't take a lot of work but I do know that it is worth the extra work and difficulty. I also want you to know that you don't have to do it alone! God designed us for a fulfilling, intimate and sexual marriage. He believes in your marriage, He wants it to work and He will walk along side you and lead you to a place of healing. In fact, He might have begun that work already by leading you here. These words might be ones He wants you to hear.
Of course, every relationship is different and there are as many different scenarios of how you have reached this particular point in your marriage but know that my marriage was about as desperate as it can get. It seemed like our issues were about as insurmountable as possible but we were able to overcome.
The first topic is withholding sex. This can be either spouse. This can sometimes be an attempt to control or hold power over your partner. Most often this tactic is taken by the wife but it can be the other way around as well, it was in my marriage. When you know your partner wants something and you have the ability to deny them that thing, yes, it is a position of power but it's also a dangerous game. I will also point out that it is sinful. God does not want to you have a rulership over your spouse. He wants you to have a partnership that lifts each other up, supports one another and mirrors His relationship to the Church. God loved his people so much He sacrificed his only son for us. Does that sound like an ultimatum to you? I will also point you to 1 Corinthians 7:4 " The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife." This might seem harsh for me to say but you agreed to marry this person your relationship will be stronger if you are being intimate. You are only hurting yourself in the long run if you are withholding sex from your partner.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that if the relationship was healthy in the first place that someone would feel the need to withhold sex. I believe it is a byproduct of a broken marriage. Withholding sex will not fix the problem though. It will only lead to resentment, separation and quite possibly an affair. Sex is a very integral part of a marriage relationship. It brings you close, both physically and emotionally. It also makes you feel good and consequently, feel better about each other. It is quite possible though, that sex doesn't feel good for you. There are quite a few women that have trouble reaching orgasm, that don't feel comfortable with the sex act in general or are dealing with some sexual trauma they have experienced. If this is the case for you then you need healing. Sex was created to feel enjoyable, to be a release and to create a deeper intimacy between a married couple. If you feel you are unable to enjoy yourself then you need some help. The first thing I would suggest in this case is that you get yourself a book called The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire. This book is a great read for anyone who would like to improve upon their sex life but especially if you find you do not enjoy sex it would be an excellent resource for your healing and moving forward in your marriage. In all likelihood you should speak with a councilor as well. I would recommend finding a Christian one that understands the importance of your relationship to God.
For a long portion in my marriage I was denied sex. I know there were quite a number of reasons for that but I want to share with you some of the effect that had on me and on my marriage. Though I understand now more of why my husband was not intimate with me, when you desire your spouse that they hold back from you it can cause you to feel resentful of them. It can seem like they are being selfish and spiteful. When you attempt to initiate and are rejected it causes feelings of anger, disappointment, fear and loneliness. I also (like so many other women) came into my marriage with self esteem issues. These issues did predate my husband but that doesn't mean he didn't effect them too. Being rejected by my husband enforced all those negative things I would say about myself. I felt ugly, fat and downright repulsive. I didn't feel I was worthy of my husband attention and I blamed my appearance for his lack of interest in sex. Every time he was unable or unwilling to have sex with me was another knock to my self esteem.
I became very depressed, lonely, vulnerable and angry. I wasn't just angry at my husband either. I was angry at God. I felt cheated by this relationship that I felt he had let me to and I started to regret even the good decisions I had made.
You see, I had done what I was supposed to. I had waited for marriage to have sex and I felt that "sacrifice" on my part should have been rewarded with a fulfilling sex life once I was married. When things fell apart spent many tearful nights wishing that I had actually had sex with a former boyfriend. I saw my future as very bleak and I actually wished that my husband would just leave me if he wasn't interested in me. Now that things have turned around I am once again, glad that I did wait. Having a different sexual relationship to compare with the one I had with my husband would have made staying in my marriage even more difficult.
I wasn't sleeping well and I started to put on extra weight that I would then complain about to my husband. One day he confronted me about this. He told me he was sick of me complaining about my weight and not doing anything about it and that my complaining brought his attention to it so that was all he started to see. This brought on a fit of tears, (of course) but my answer to him was something that I don't even know if I realized until it came out of my mouth. I told him that part of me needed that weight. That if I was slimmer and more attractive I didn't know what would happen if some other man were to hit on me. I had become far to vulnerable. I craved the attention of men but I was frightened by what would happen if another man did look my way.
Thankfully, when things did get to this point we started to attend some counselling and I am grateful that my husband was willing to take that step with me. He had many issues that he was dealing with as well and it really helped for us to be able to meet with someone to sort those things out both individually and as a couple.
Once you get to the point where your marriage has become a sexless one there are only two ways it can go. You will either resolve the issues behind your abstinence or you will split up. The situation can't go on indefinitely. I know that it is awkward to confront your partner about it but saving your marriage is worth a little awkwardness!
If you are the one being denied sex you need to set aside a time to talk to your partner about why things are the way they are. You need to tell them how it makes you feel and reassure them that you want to find a way to make things better and enjoyable for both of you. Tell them you will do whatever they need to help them through what they are dealing with and make them as comfortable as possible. Most of all, mean what you say! When you tell them you will help them, do it. When they bring up issues with you, do your best to fix them. If they want you to go to counselling with them, go. Your partner needs your support and you have committed to them so your job is to make them a priority, even if you feel you are the one being mistreated. Even though you are hurting as well you need to focus on them. If you attack them or try to turn things around so they are about you your partner will shut down and you'll get nowhere. There is a reason why they aren't being intimate with you and if you need to work on fixing that issue with them. It is very possible that your partner doesn't feel you are safe to talk to about this. They could feel judged, pressured and mistreated by you. You need to take a close look at your actions and your manner and most likely do a lot of apologizing before your partner can feel like you are a safe place for them to fall.
There is a possibility that your partner will think you are only trying to help so you can get what you want. So it might be a long time still before they trust you enough to open up to you in an intimate manner. I know that it feels like you have already been patient for so long but you will need to be extra patient at this time and take things slowly and in steps so that they build up their trust in you.
If you are the partner that is withholding sex then you need to take a good look at the reasons why you are doing so. The reasons you started might not be the same reasons that you maintain to this day and you really need to sort out what is holding you back. Once you know why you need to talk to your partner about it. This will take a lot of trust since you are going to have to be very truthful and vulnerable with them. If you are not honest and open about what is holding you back you are also denying your partner the opportunity to be loving and supporting of you. Letting them in on your thoughts, feelings and fears is a different kind of intimacy that can hold a lot of fear in and of itself but your partner has signed on to be with you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Don't deny them the opportunity to stand with you during the worse, poorer and sickness. It's often during these times that leaning on each other will build and create a stronger and more powerful marriage. If you are frightened that your issues are to much for them, then keep in mind that if they were to reject you (and I'm pretty sure they won't) because of something you struggle with, they are the ones that are sinning and in the wrong. God requires your partner to support you. If they don't hold up their end of the bargain they have Him to deal with.
I can understand the desire to escape from the awkwardness, fear and uncertainty of confronting your spouse about these issues. I know I was terrified. However, doing nothing will certainly end badly and you really have nothing else to loose. One thing that might ease some of this discomfort could be writing it all out in a letter for your spouse. This is a method I have used quite successfully. I find it helps me make sure I remember all the point I wanted to make, it allows me to think out of the kindest and most reassuring way to say what I feel needs saying and I eliminate the risk of saying something in the heat of the moment that I will regret. I know I have a tendency to get tongue tied in person and you also run the risk of getting off on a tangent that never gets back to some of the points you want covered. Writing a letter also allows my husband to think over, in a more calm environment, the concerns that I have and come back to me (after using his problem solving brain) with some more clear methods of moving forward. If you and your spouse are not having sex then I would bet you are also not communicating well. In that case a letter might be your best option for making yourself heard and breaking the ice. I find it far less intimidating, for both parties.
My prayer for you is that you are able to open up more with each other. That you will begin to learn hot to lean on one another instead of searching outside your marriage and I pray that both of you will not give up! As long as you are both willing to work at your relationship then there is nothing you can not overcome! I mean it, NOTHING!
Telling you to stay with your partner and just live in a shell of a marriage is not what I'm saying though. I am not condemning you to a life of misery and loneliness. I would not tell you to stay if I did not truly believe that your issues can be resolved and resolving them is the right thing to do. Whatever your situation is, it can be fixed. You do not have to have a sexless marriage because you can get your intimacy back! I'm not saying it won't be hard and that it won't take a lot of work but I do know that it is worth the extra work and difficulty. I also want you to know that you don't have to do it alone! God designed us for a fulfilling, intimate and sexual marriage. He believes in your marriage, He wants it to work and He will walk along side you and lead you to a place of healing. In fact, He might have begun that work already by leading you here. These words might be ones He wants you to hear.
Of course, every relationship is different and there are as many different scenarios of how you have reached this particular point in your marriage but know that my marriage was about as desperate as it can get. It seemed like our issues were about as insurmountable as possible but we were able to overcome.
The first topic is withholding sex. This can be either spouse. This can sometimes be an attempt to control or hold power over your partner. Most often this tactic is taken by the wife but it can be the other way around as well, it was in my marriage. When you know your partner wants something and you have the ability to deny them that thing, yes, it is a position of power but it's also a dangerous game. I will also point out that it is sinful. God does not want to you have a rulership over your spouse. He wants you to have a partnership that lifts each other up, supports one another and mirrors His relationship to the Church. God loved his people so much He sacrificed his only son for us. Does that sound like an ultimatum to you? I will also point you to 1 Corinthians 7:4 " The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife." This might seem harsh for me to say but you agreed to marry this person your relationship will be stronger if you are being intimate. You are only hurting yourself in the long run if you are withholding sex from your partner.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that if the relationship was healthy in the first place that someone would feel the need to withhold sex. I believe it is a byproduct of a broken marriage. Withholding sex will not fix the problem though. It will only lead to resentment, separation and quite possibly an affair. Sex is a very integral part of a marriage relationship. It brings you close, both physically and emotionally. It also makes you feel good and consequently, feel better about each other. It is quite possible though, that sex doesn't feel good for you. There are quite a few women that have trouble reaching orgasm, that don't feel comfortable with the sex act in general or are dealing with some sexual trauma they have experienced. If this is the case for you then you need healing. Sex was created to feel enjoyable, to be a release and to create a deeper intimacy between a married couple. If you feel you are unable to enjoy yourself then you need some help. The first thing I would suggest in this case is that you get yourself a book called The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire. This book is a great read for anyone who would like to improve upon their sex life but especially if you find you do not enjoy sex it would be an excellent resource for your healing and moving forward in your marriage. In all likelihood you should speak with a councilor as well. I would recommend finding a Christian one that understands the importance of your relationship to God.
For a long portion in my marriage I was denied sex. I know there were quite a number of reasons for that but I want to share with you some of the effect that had on me and on my marriage. Though I understand now more of why my husband was not intimate with me, when you desire your spouse that they hold back from you it can cause you to feel resentful of them. It can seem like they are being selfish and spiteful. When you attempt to initiate and are rejected it causes feelings of anger, disappointment, fear and loneliness. I also (like so many other women) came into my marriage with self esteem issues. These issues did predate my husband but that doesn't mean he didn't effect them too. Being rejected by my husband enforced all those negative things I would say about myself. I felt ugly, fat and downright repulsive. I didn't feel I was worthy of my husband attention and I blamed my appearance for his lack of interest in sex. Every time he was unable or unwilling to have sex with me was another knock to my self esteem.
I became very depressed, lonely, vulnerable and angry. I wasn't just angry at my husband either. I was angry at God. I felt cheated by this relationship that I felt he had let me to and I started to regret even the good decisions I had made.
You see, I had done what I was supposed to. I had waited for marriage to have sex and I felt that "sacrifice" on my part should have been rewarded with a fulfilling sex life once I was married. When things fell apart spent many tearful nights wishing that I had actually had sex with a former boyfriend. I saw my future as very bleak and I actually wished that my husband would just leave me if he wasn't interested in me. Now that things have turned around I am once again, glad that I did wait. Having a different sexual relationship to compare with the one I had with my husband would have made staying in my marriage even more difficult.
I wasn't sleeping well and I started to put on extra weight that I would then complain about to my husband. One day he confronted me about this. He told me he was sick of me complaining about my weight and not doing anything about it and that my complaining brought his attention to it so that was all he started to see. This brought on a fit of tears, (of course) but my answer to him was something that I don't even know if I realized until it came out of my mouth. I told him that part of me needed that weight. That if I was slimmer and more attractive I didn't know what would happen if some other man were to hit on me. I had become far to vulnerable. I craved the attention of men but I was frightened by what would happen if another man did look my way.
Thankfully, when things did get to this point we started to attend some counselling and I am grateful that my husband was willing to take that step with me. He had many issues that he was dealing with as well and it really helped for us to be able to meet with someone to sort those things out both individually and as a couple.
Once you get to the point where your marriage has become a sexless one there are only two ways it can go. You will either resolve the issues behind your abstinence or you will split up. The situation can't go on indefinitely. I know that it is awkward to confront your partner about it but saving your marriage is worth a little awkwardness!
If you are the one being denied sex you need to set aside a time to talk to your partner about why things are the way they are. You need to tell them how it makes you feel and reassure them that you want to find a way to make things better and enjoyable for both of you. Tell them you will do whatever they need to help them through what they are dealing with and make them as comfortable as possible. Most of all, mean what you say! When you tell them you will help them, do it. When they bring up issues with you, do your best to fix them. If they want you to go to counselling with them, go. Your partner needs your support and you have committed to them so your job is to make them a priority, even if you feel you are the one being mistreated. Even though you are hurting as well you need to focus on them. If you attack them or try to turn things around so they are about you your partner will shut down and you'll get nowhere. There is a reason why they aren't being intimate with you and if you need to work on fixing that issue with them. It is very possible that your partner doesn't feel you are safe to talk to about this. They could feel judged, pressured and mistreated by you. You need to take a close look at your actions and your manner and most likely do a lot of apologizing before your partner can feel like you are a safe place for them to fall.
There is a possibility that your partner will think you are only trying to help so you can get what you want. So it might be a long time still before they trust you enough to open up to you in an intimate manner. I know that it feels like you have already been patient for so long but you will need to be extra patient at this time and take things slowly and in steps so that they build up their trust in you.
If you are the partner that is withholding sex then you need to take a good look at the reasons why you are doing so. The reasons you started might not be the same reasons that you maintain to this day and you really need to sort out what is holding you back. Once you know why you need to talk to your partner about it. This will take a lot of trust since you are going to have to be very truthful and vulnerable with them. If you are not honest and open about what is holding you back you are also denying your partner the opportunity to be loving and supporting of you. Letting them in on your thoughts, feelings and fears is a different kind of intimacy that can hold a lot of fear in and of itself but your partner has signed on to be with you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Don't deny them the opportunity to stand with you during the worse, poorer and sickness. It's often during these times that leaning on each other will build and create a stronger and more powerful marriage. If you are frightened that your issues are to much for them, then keep in mind that if they were to reject you (and I'm pretty sure they won't) because of something you struggle with, they are the ones that are sinning and in the wrong. God requires your partner to support you. If they don't hold up their end of the bargain they have Him to deal with.
I can understand the desire to escape from the awkwardness, fear and uncertainty of confronting your spouse about these issues. I know I was terrified. However, doing nothing will certainly end badly and you really have nothing else to loose. One thing that might ease some of this discomfort could be writing it all out in a letter for your spouse. This is a method I have used quite successfully. I find it helps me make sure I remember all the point I wanted to make, it allows me to think out of the kindest and most reassuring way to say what I feel needs saying and I eliminate the risk of saying something in the heat of the moment that I will regret. I know I have a tendency to get tongue tied in person and you also run the risk of getting off on a tangent that never gets back to some of the points you want covered. Writing a letter also allows my husband to think over, in a more calm environment, the concerns that I have and come back to me (after using his problem solving brain) with some more clear methods of moving forward. If you and your spouse are not having sex then I would bet you are also not communicating well. In that case a letter might be your best option for making yourself heard and breaking the ice. I find it far less intimidating, for both parties.
My prayer for you is that you are able to open up more with each other. That you will begin to learn hot to lean on one another instead of searching outside your marriage and I pray that both of you will not give up! As long as you are both willing to work at your relationship then there is nothing you can not overcome! I mean it, NOTHING!
It's Better To Give Than Recieve
Having a partner that is unable to reach orgasm with you is a difficult knock for the ego to handle. For the majority of cases it is the woman who has trouble experiencing an orgasm but there are cases, such as when a man is experiencing some ED, when the difficulty is with the man. Though the situation is a little different the steps you take to improve the situation are very similar. For this reason today's post will work to help both men and women improve their sex life with their partner. If your partner has difficulty reaching orgasm try to understand that it is not an indicator of your self worth. There may be something you are doing that just isn't working for your partner but there is no way for you to know that unless there is better communication between you.
When my husband and I were first married sex was extremely infrequent and my husband was unable to reach orgasm with me or even maintain an erection long enough for us to be intimate a lot of the time. I must admit, I got a bit angry with God at this point. I mean, I was a woman with a very high sex drive. When I was in my teens I did not fantasize about my wedding and marriage. Instead I dreamt about how my husband and I would be having sex every day. When this dream instead turned into a nightmare I blamed God. I would cry out to Him with things like, "Why would you give me such a high drive and bring me a husband that is unable to meet my needs?" I just didn't understand and the whole thing seemed so ironic and unfair. It took a lot of time, recovery and hard work before I realized that if I hadn't had the drive I do and if intimacy wasn't something I really desired then I wouldn't have had any motivation to fix our issues. I wouldn't have worked at it. I would have just let our marriage remain sexless, distant and eventually it would have shrivelled and died. My libido was the fuel that moved us forward.
This experience has also given me, what I feel is a unique perspective on the sexual relationship of a marriage. It helps me understand how a husband is effected when his wife is disinterested in sex and unable to reach orgasm. It also allows me to speak to husbands that are struggling to know how to help their wives. My hope is that I can turn, what I once saw as a deal breaker for my relationship, into a tool that draws other couples out of their own unintimate marriages into a thriving and joyful, complete union.
Most often, if a partner is unable to reach orgasm it is the female. Since she is still able to have intercourse, even without an orgasm, she may decide it just doesn't matter. She may even give up on experiencing that climax and fall into the trap of thinking that sex is just for her husband. This line of thinking will most likely lead to her only wanting to participate grudgingly and infrequently. After all, if she isn't "getting anything out of it" why bother, right?
I want to talk about two aspects of this. What this type of thinking will do to your marriage and how it affects your husband. If you are disinterested in sex and only participate grudgingly, your husband knows. He knows you don't enjoy it, he knows you don't want to and it will make him less likely to initiate. This might sound like a win for you right? If you don't enjoy it you might be hoping he'll just stop pestering you. In the short term this may seem like a good thing but as time goes buy your husband will grow more and more frustrated. He will feel like a failure for his lack of ability to bring you to climax, he will feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with you, he will doubt his masculinity and he will feel like a roommate instead of a partner. You will drift further and further apart until you are simply sharing a house, not sharing a life. He will begin to resent you and since he does have a physical need to orgasm in order to relieve the pressure that builds up (if he doesn't do it himself his body will do it for him with wet dreams) he will start to seek out other means of stimulation. This will most likely lead to either watching porn, or having an affair. Neither option is one you want.
It does make sense that when someone doesn't find sex very enjoyable they aren't going to want to do it very much. If it is a source pressure and stress for them, they will really want to avoid it. This can sometimes be the trap that a marriage falls into. You start out your marriage and your partner isn't able to orgasm. The two of you then "try harder" but still nothing happens. The partner that is able to orgasm starts trying to come up with different tricks and techniques to satisfy their partner. When those things fail they get more and more frustrated with the situation. They could feel guilty about their wants and desires. They might feel poorly about themselves. It is definitely hard on their self esteem. I know I questioned everything about myself. I felt unattractive, incompetent and selfish.
How does it affect the partner that is unable to orgasm? I can't speak entirely to this issue but I can imagine it is even more frustrating for them. From speaking with my husband I know they feel like they are letting you down, like their body is betraying them (especially for men who are constantly told how sex crazed and virile they are "supposed" to be) and that they are powerless to change. It is frustrating, confusing and a source of a lot of stress. I know many people might wonder how sex could be stressful. After all, isn't it supposed to relieve stress? Yes, but if you are unable to relax and enjoy the experience then instead every time they are intimate they are filled with increasing anxiety over their inability to "perform" and dealing with greater and great pressure from their spouse.
You might not think that you are putting pressure on your spouse at all but even your desire to be intimate with comes with a lot of stress and expectation. They know you want them to enjoy themselves, the see the disappointment when things don't go as you planned. They don't want to let you down so quite often they just would rather avoid the situation entirely.
There is one added difficulty if you are dealing with ED in a relationship. After all, a woman can still have sex without having an orgasm but if the male is unable to maintain an erection there really isn't much that can be done by way of penetrative sex. Let me assure you that this can be corrected and although it might be a long road you CAN get you're sex life back and it CAN be a fulfilling one for both of you.
If you are a woman that has difficulty reaching orgasm, I am going to go over some steps you and your husband can take to assist you but I would also recommend reading "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex" by Sheila Gregoire. There are some good tips, information and encouragement in there that will greatly benefit your relationship.
I don't think I have ever come across a situation where avoiding the problem has made it go away. I'll let you know if I ever do, but until then how can we break out of the cycle and start moving toward a more fulfilling sexual experience for both partners unless we just try?
I have already mentioned in previous posts that my husband and I attended some sex therapy early in our marriage. Thankfully the therapist did not recommend that we watch porn together. This is apparently something that many sex therapist believe will improve a couples sex life but that I believe to be harmful instead for many, many reasons that I will perhaps cover at a later date. Just for the time being though, watching porn will not help you. It will only cause you to doubt yourselves even more and transfer your desire to the actors rather than each other. The sex therapist we saw did give us some good tips and tricks to get our sex life onto a good track. However, she strangely didn't talk much if at all about emotional or mental causes of my husband's ED. This is not a step you want to skip! After all, enjoying sex is mostly mental. Have you ever heard that the brain is the most important sex organ? It is so true! If you brain isn't in the game it's just not happening and if your brain is not only out of the game, it's playing against you, then there is no way you will ever win. If you have been abused, have big self esteem issues or have never been able to climax you will need to resolve the mental blocks before tackling the physical ones.
If you are living in a sexless marriage it can be extremely intimidating to break out of the routine of avoidance. In my opinion that is one of the biggest hurtles to restoring your marital intimacy. You have gotten into a pattern of no communication. You may talk about everything else. You might still feel like best friends. You're relationship, from the outside, might look perfect but there is a big hole that you have been walking around for so long you can't even imagine what it would take to start filling it in. It seems much easier to just go around it, so you do, year after year, until someone gets tired of it or slips and falls in. It is so incredibly sad to me to hear of couples that are missing out on the intimacy of marriage when they could be so much happier, more connected and less stressed out.
Once you are ready to start working on a more fulfilling sex life the first step is going to have to be opening up conversation. You're going to have to be willing to talk about what the setbacks are and be honest about what isn't working. The next step is going to seem very strange. Stop trying (if you're in a sexless marriage, I guess you've got this step down pat). I know what the partners that are able to orgasm are thinking here. It goes along the lines of "WHAT!?!?!?!" It might seem counter intuitive to you. You might wonder how you are supposed to improve your sex life without trying to have sex. Those are valid concerns but here is why this is a good plan. I am not saying not to be sexual, I'm saying to take a small break from intercourse. Remember how I talked about all the pressure intercourse places on your spouse? Taking a break removes that pressure and it helps them to no longer feel like a failure every time they are unable to orgasm. What you should do instead of penetration is just make out. Explore each others body, do lots of kissing, spoon naked and touch one another. Quite often, when a person is unable to climax they aren't really sure what feels good to them. This is their time to find out. Talk a lot during this process. Ask them what feels good and don't take offence if there is something they don't like. Every person is different. There are different parts of their body that will be more sensitive than others. There will even be different times during a sexual encounter that will change how things feel. Don't be demanding of your partner during this time and try to be patient and take things slow. They may have no idea what even feels good for them so go slow and try to make it as much fun as possible. In short, just try and relax and have fun!
When my husband and I started with this step I soon discovered that part of the issue we had was he needed a lot of intense stimulation. During his teen years he had drawn out the masturbation process to get as much good feeling as possible. He had trained his penis to need heavy stimulation in order to climax. At the start I was simply not physically strong enough to be able to bring him to orgasm. This was almost a despairing moment for me. If I wasn't strong enough to bring him to climax with my hand then how would he ever be able to orgasm during intercourse? Though it seemed hopeless to me I realized that if you can train something to act a certain way then you can untrain it too. It took lots of time and work for us but by taking things step by step we were eventually able to increase his sensitivity to the point where he is now able to reach orgasm through intercourse the vast majority of the time.
What are these steps that lead to orgasm through intercourse? It starts with knowing what touch they like. Get your partner to guide your hand. If they are able to touch themselves with your hand over theirs you can start to understand how they like to be touched. Pay attention to how hard they press, where exactly they touch and how fast or slowly they move. Once you (and maybe they) are more familiar with what they like you can attempt to bring them to orgasm with your hand or your mouth. If they are able to orgasm that way then that will show them they are capable (let me assure you, you are capable) and that will help build their confidence so they can relax more.
Sometimes women don't believe they are capable of orgasm so they don't even bother to try anymore. I believe this is a mistake for many reasons. First of all, sex was created by God to be a enjoyable and fulfilling experience. If he didn't want women to enjoy it then why would he have created the clitoris, a body part with no function other than pleasure? Women also have the G-spot, a patch of skin inside the vagina with extra nerve endings that can produce orgasm as well. There have been studies done on the G-spot that show a correlation between the thickness of the wall of the vagina and the ability to experience a G-spot orgasm but regardless of weather you will ever be able to climax that way or not it is still an extra spot that feels pretty good to rub. All of this is to say that you were made to enjoy sex and sex was created for marriage. You don't have to feel guilty about enjoying your husband.
Try to relax, speak up about what doesn't feel right and try to enjoy each other. Don't worry if it doesn't happen right away. It may take a long time and it will take trust but you can get there. The road that you take will only increase the intimacy and partnership you experience with your spouse. It will only make your marriage stronger and avoiding it will tear you apart.
When my husband and I were first married sex was extremely infrequent and my husband was unable to reach orgasm with me or even maintain an erection long enough for us to be intimate a lot of the time. I must admit, I got a bit angry with God at this point. I mean, I was a woman with a very high sex drive. When I was in my teens I did not fantasize about my wedding and marriage. Instead I dreamt about how my husband and I would be having sex every day. When this dream instead turned into a nightmare I blamed God. I would cry out to Him with things like, "Why would you give me such a high drive and bring me a husband that is unable to meet my needs?" I just didn't understand and the whole thing seemed so ironic and unfair. It took a lot of time, recovery and hard work before I realized that if I hadn't had the drive I do and if intimacy wasn't something I really desired then I wouldn't have had any motivation to fix our issues. I wouldn't have worked at it. I would have just let our marriage remain sexless, distant and eventually it would have shrivelled and died. My libido was the fuel that moved us forward.
This experience has also given me, what I feel is a unique perspective on the sexual relationship of a marriage. It helps me understand how a husband is effected when his wife is disinterested in sex and unable to reach orgasm. It also allows me to speak to husbands that are struggling to know how to help their wives. My hope is that I can turn, what I once saw as a deal breaker for my relationship, into a tool that draws other couples out of their own unintimate marriages into a thriving and joyful, complete union.
Most often, if a partner is unable to reach orgasm it is the female. Since she is still able to have intercourse, even without an orgasm, she may decide it just doesn't matter. She may even give up on experiencing that climax and fall into the trap of thinking that sex is just for her husband. This line of thinking will most likely lead to her only wanting to participate grudgingly and infrequently. After all, if she isn't "getting anything out of it" why bother, right?
I want to talk about two aspects of this. What this type of thinking will do to your marriage and how it affects your husband. If you are disinterested in sex and only participate grudgingly, your husband knows. He knows you don't enjoy it, he knows you don't want to and it will make him less likely to initiate. This might sound like a win for you right? If you don't enjoy it you might be hoping he'll just stop pestering you. In the short term this may seem like a good thing but as time goes buy your husband will grow more and more frustrated. He will feel like a failure for his lack of ability to bring you to climax, he will feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with you, he will doubt his masculinity and he will feel like a roommate instead of a partner. You will drift further and further apart until you are simply sharing a house, not sharing a life. He will begin to resent you and since he does have a physical need to orgasm in order to relieve the pressure that builds up (if he doesn't do it himself his body will do it for him with wet dreams) he will start to seek out other means of stimulation. This will most likely lead to either watching porn, or having an affair. Neither option is one you want.
It does make sense that when someone doesn't find sex very enjoyable they aren't going to want to do it very much. If it is a source pressure and stress for them, they will really want to avoid it. This can sometimes be the trap that a marriage falls into. You start out your marriage and your partner isn't able to orgasm. The two of you then "try harder" but still nothing happens. The partner that is able to orgasm starts trying to come up with different tricks and techniques to satisfy their partner. When those things fail they get more and more frustrated with the situation. They could feel guilty about their wants and desires. They might feel poorly about themselves. It is definitely hard on their self esteem. I know I questioned everything about myself. I felt unattractive, incompetent and selfish.
How does it affect the partner that is unable to orgasm? I can't speak entirely to this issue but I can imagine it is even more frustrating for them. From speaking with my husband I know they feel like they are letting you down, like their body is betraying them (especially for men who are constantly told how sex crazed and virile they are "supposed" to be) and that they are powerless to change. It is frustrating, confusing and a source of a lot of stress. I know many people might wonder how sex could be stressful. After all, isn't it supposed to relieve stress? Yes, but if you are unable to relax and enjoy the experience then instead every time they are intimate they are filled with increasing anxiety over their inability to "perform" and dealing with greater and great pressure from their spouse.
You might not think that you are putting pressure on your spouse at all but even your desire to be intimate with comes with a lot of stress and expectation. They know you want them to enjoy themselves, the see the disappointment when things don't go as you planned. They don't want to let you down so quite often they just would rather avoid the situation entirely.
There is one added difficulty if you are dealing with ED in a relationship. After all, a woman can still have sex without having an orgasm but if the male is unable to maintain an erection there really isn't much that can be done by way of penetrative sex. Let me assure you that this can be corrected and although it might be a long road you CAN get you're sex life back and it CAN be a fulfilling one for both of you.
If you are a woman that has difficulty reaching orgasm, I am going to go over some steps you and your husband can take to assist you but I would also recommend reading "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex" by Sheila Gregoire. There are some good tips, information and encouragement in there that will greatly benefit your relationship.
I don't think I have ever come across a situation where avoiding the problem has made it go away. I'll let you know if I ever do, but until then how can we break out of the cycle and start moving toward a more fulfilling sexual experience for both partners unless we just try?
I have already mentioned in previous posts that my husband and I attended some sex therapy early in our marriage. Thankfully the therapist did not recommend that we watch porn together. This is apparently something that many sex therapist believe will improve a couples sex life but that I believe to be harmful instead for many, many reasons that I will perhaps cover at a later date. Just for the time being though, watching porn will not help you. It will only cause you to doubt yourselves even more and transfer your desire to the actors rather than each other. The sex therapist we saw did give us some good tips and tricks to get our sex life onto a good track. However, she strangely didn't talk much if at all about emotional or mental causes of my husband's ED. This is not a step you want to skip! After all, enjoying sex is mostly mental. Have you ever heard that the brain is the most important sex organ? It is so true! If you brain isn't in the game it's just not happening and if your brain is not only out of the game, it's playing against you, then there is no way you will ever win. If you have been abused, have big self esteem issues or have never been able to climax you will need to resolve the mental blocks before tackling the physical ones.
If you are living in a sexless marriage it can be extremely intimidating to break out of the routine of avoidance. In my opinion that is one of the biggest hurtles to restoring your marital intimacy. You have gotten into a pattern of no communication. You may talk about everything else. You might still feel like best friends. You're relationship, from the outside, might look perfect but there is a big hole that you have been walking around for so long you can't even imagine what it would take to start filling it in. It seems much easier to just go around it, so you do, year after year, until someone gets tired of it or slips and falls in. It is so incredibly sad to me to hear of couples that are missing out on the intimacy of marriage when they could be so much happier, more connected and less stressed out.
Once you are ready to start working on a more fulfilling sex life the first step is going to have to be opening up conversation. You're going to have to be willing to talk about what the setbacks are and be honest about what isn't working. The next step is going to seem very strange. Stop trying (if you're in a sexless marriage, I guess you've got this step down pat). I know what the partners that are able to orgasm are thinking here. It goes along the lines of "WHAT!?!?!?!" It might seem counter intuitive to you. You might wonder how you are supposed to improve your sex life without trying to have sex. Those are valid concerns but here is why this is a good plan. I am not saying not to be sexual, I'm saying to take a small break from intercourse. Remember how I talked about all the pressure intercourse places on your spouse? Taking a break removes that pressure and it helps them to no longer feel like a failure every time they are unable to orgasm. What you should do instead of penetration is just make out. Explore each others body, do lots of kissing, spoon naked and touch one another. Quite often, when a person is unable to climax they aren't really sure what feels good to them. This is their time to find out. Talk a lot during this process. Ask them what feels good and don't take offence if there is something they don't like. Every person is different. There are different parts of their body that will be more sensitive than others. There will even be different times during a sexual encounter that will change how things feel. Don't be demanding of your partner during this time and try to be patient and take things slow. They may have no idea what even feels good for them so go slow and try to make it as much fun as possible. In short, just try and relax and have fun!
When my husband and I started with this step I soon discovered that part of the issue we had was he needed a lot of intense stimulation. During his teen years he had drawn out the masturbation process to get as much good feeling as possible. He had trained his penis to need heavy stimulation in order to climax. At the start I was simply not physically strong enough to be able to bring him to orgasm. This was almost a despairing moment for me. If I wasn't strong enough to bring him to climax with my hand then how would he ever be able to orgasm during intercourse? Though it seemed hopeless to me I realized that if you can train something to act a certain way then you can untrain it too. It took lots of time and work for us but by taking things step by step we were eventually able to increase his sensitivity to the point where he is now able to reach orgasm through intercourse the vast majority of the time.
What are these steps that lead to orgasm through intercourse? It starts with knowing what touch they like. Get your partner to guide your hand. If they are able to touch themselves with your hand over theirs you can start to understand how they like to be touched. Pay attention to how hard they press, where exactly they touch and how fast or slowly they move. Once you (and maybe they) are more familiar with what they like you can attempt to bring them to orgasm with your hand or your mouth. If they are able to orgasm that way then that will show them they are capable (let me assure you, you are capable) and that will help build their confidence so they can relax more.
Sometimes women don't believe they are capable of orgasm so they don't even bother to try anymore. I believe this is a mistake for many reasons. First of all, sex was created by God to be a enjoyable and fulfilling experience. If he didn't want women to enjoy it then why would he have created the clitoris, a body part with no function other than pleasure? Women also have the G-spot, a patch of skin inside the vagina with extra nerve endings that can produce orgasm as well. There have been studies done on the G-spot that show a correlation between the thickness of the wall of the vagina and the ability to experience a G-spot orgasm but regardless of weather you will ever be able to climax that way or not it is still an extra spot that feels pretty good to rub. All of this is to say that you were made to enjoy sex and sex was created for marriage. You don't have to feel guilty about enjoying your husband.
Try to relax, speak up about what doesn't feel right and try to enjoy each other. Don't worry if it doesn't happen right away. It may take a long time and it will take trust but you can get there. The road that you take will only increase the intimacy and partnership you experience with your spouse. It will only make your marriage stronger and avoiding it will tear you apart.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Overcoming ED
In my post entitled Is My Husband Impotent I talked about how there can be two causes of erectile dysfunction (ED). One is medical and the other is emotional. I spoke of how your husband will need to rule out or take care of the medical causes of the ED. That is the first step. However I didn't really talk about the second cause or how to get your sex life back on track.
At the beginning of our marriage when we were experiencing a lot of trouble with our sexual relationship I hoped that a medical cause would be found. My husband did a few physicals and blood tests and each time we would wait for the results I would actually hope that something would be wrong. This might sound so terrible but to me that seemed like the far easier option to fix things and, in my opinion, it was a whole lot less about me. After all, (in my head) if the cause of the ED was emotional then it was all my fault. It seemed like that cause meant I was unattractive, frightening, unapproachable and a downright terrible wife. Right?
Wrong!
When all the tests came back fine (he even had a higher than average testosterone level) it was time to face the facts. There was some mental block to our intimacy and I was going to find it! I wanted answers. I must admit I became a bit of a pest. I would ask him questions incessantly. I would ask if anything happened to him in his childhood, if he thought it was possible that he was abused, if I was just not attractive enough (I didn't tend to believe him either when he said I was) and I asked for details about any sexual contact he had ever had. I even (now I don't recommend this at all) asked him if he thought he might be gay. I know, bad idea! But I was desperate and frustrated, both sexually and emotionally because I felt like he was holding back with me and leaving out that one important detail that would explain everything.
If a man has been abused or is struggling with his sexual identity that will definitely be obstacles to your relationship. Though it is something that you should know about him, you might not need to know every gritty detail. For his own sake as well as that of your relationship he needs to speak with a Christian counselor. There could be some parts of his past or what he's feeling that he might fear would change the way you see him. His image and ego are very important to him and he might not open up to you out of the concern that you would look at him differently. If there is something that the counselor feels that you should know they will encourage him to talk to you about that.
Men aren't exactly known for their love of opening up and talking about their feelings. I know you might think that there is no way you will be able to convince your husband to see a counselor. If he is having trouble with ED though, and medical causes have been ruled out, that only leaves emotional issues as the cause. He might find that faced with the prospect of indefinite ED, seeing a counselor for a while might be a good option. I for one, was quite shocked at my uncommunicative and reserved husband's willingness to see someone.
There were actually a few times in our marriage that we attended counseling. We saw a marriage counselor (who wasn't very good) for a while, we saw a sex therapist (who was somewhat helpful but glossed over some very important aspects of our sexual relationship), we saw a much better counselor a few years later in our relationship and my husband also saw her one on one for a while. If you ignore issues in your marriage and don't make efforts to fix them then your relationship will continue to grow more and more distant. I was lucky that my husband was willing to see someone and that he showed immense patience and understanding for my hounding and pestering him about our relationship. You can't force anyone to do these things against their will but you can communicate to them how important it is to your future that you work on your relationship and the way to do it is through dealing with issues head on.
When you know that the blockage he is facing is an emotional one it can create some extra stress for you too and all that worry you have about how much of his issues pertain to you might just come bubbling up and spilling over in a big outburst that has a lot of potential for making the situation worse. His ED is a symptom of his inability to dispose of all his mental baggage, so heaping your insecurities, accusations and anger on him will only serve in making his pile bigger. I know how terrifying it might seem to talk with your husband about what might be going on with him! My fear was that he would confirm all my deepest insecurities. I worried that he would rage at me and blame me for the ED even just to escape the accusations. Thankfully my fears were never realized in that way but he very well could have reacted much more poorly than he did. There was the potential for things to have gone very, very badly when the conversation was opened up. The one way I was able to keep some safety and distance for myself while still attempting to open conversation with my husband was to write it in a letter. To some this might seem like a bit of a cop out and not conversation at all but there are a number of reasons I believe this to be the best option.
For starters, a letter allows you to not get sidetracked by any number of different arguments. It makes sure you make all your points. Secondly, you can word things properly. Speaking to someone, off the cuff, about sensitive and emotional subjects has the potential for going terribly wrong. Conversation can very quickly get heated and hurtful. With an emotional issue, the last thing you want to do is add more emotional pain. In a letter you can take care to word your concerns in a kind and sensitive way that has a much better chance of being received favorably. Thirdly, when you write a letter, you know that you have been heard. With some people, (there are a few in my life) I know that almost every time we have a discussion they aren't really listening to what I'm saying. Many people have a tendency to hear the first few words of what you are saying, invent in their head what they think the rest of your point is, and spend the rest of the time you are talking to them thinking about how they will respond instead of really listening to you. In short, they miss the point. Letters are less easy to ignore and they can spend as much time as they like going over it and thinking about how to respond without the pressure of you standing right there waiting for an answer. You can then come to them at a later time to discuss what you wrote and their response to it. Do your best to be kind, considerate and try to give them the chance to be heard by truly listening to them.
I will cover some of the physical steps to recovering your sexual relationship in a follow up post but overcoming ED is a step by step process that takes time and patience. The first step was eliminating the physical causes, step two is emotional recovery. This is the most delicate portion that takes the most patience and where the most can go wrong. Try not to rush it and force faster healing. Your husband will need to be the guide during this portion of recovery since only he knows what is holding him back. Though it is frustrating to have so little control over a situation that effects you so much, your patience and understanding will be appreciated and are your best tool for helping your husband recover. If you need to vent at all, remember to do it with a safe person. My rule for finding a safe person is that they be very trustworthy and, if at all possible, outside the situation. This means that they don't know your husband (in that case I would be very willing to hear your venting). The most important rule I have is that the person you vent to must NOT be of the opposite sex! This is a must! I did not stick to this rule and it very nearly ruined my marriage and potentially my life. I promise to talk more about this later.
Best of luck and I pray that you are able to help aid your husband in his healing.
At the beginning of our marriage when we were experiencing a lot of trouble with our sexual relationship I hoped that a medical cause would be found. My husband did a few physicals and blood tests and each time we would wait for the results I would actually hope that something would be wrong. This might sound so terrible but to me that seemed like the far easier option to fix things and, in my opinion, it was a whole lot less about me. After all, (in my head) if the cause of the ED was emotional then it was all my fault. It seemed like that cause meant I was unattractive, frightening, unapproachable and a downright terrible wife. Right?
Wrong!
When all the tests came back fine (he even had a higher than average testosterone level) it was time to face the facts. There was some mental block to our intimacy and I was going to find it! I wanted answers. I must admit I became a bit of a pest. I would ask him questions incessantly. I would ask if anything happened to him in his childhood, if he thought it was possible that he was abused, if I was just not attractive enough (I didn't tend to believe him either when he said I was) and I asked for details about any sexual contact he had ever had. I even (now I don't recommend this at all) asked him if he thought he might be gay. I know, bad idea! But I was desperate and frustrated, both sexually and emotionally because I felt like he was holding back with me and leaving out that one important detail that would explain everything.
If a man has been abused or is struggling with his sexual identity that will definitely be obstacles to your relationship. Though it is something that you should know about him, you might not need to know every gritty detail. For his own sake as well as that of your relationship he needs to speak with a Christian counselor. There could be some parts of his past or what he's feeling that he might fear would change the way you see him. His image and ego are very important to him and he might not open up to you out of the concern that you would look at him differently. If there is something that the counselor feels that you should know they will encourage him to talk to you about that.
Men aren't exactly known for their love of opening up and talking about their feelings. I know you might think that there is no way you will be able to convince your husband to see a counselor. If he is having trouble with ED though, and medical causes have been ruled out, that only leaves emotional issues as the cause. He might find that faced with the prospect of indefinite ED, seeing a counselor for a while might be a good option. I for one, was quite shocked at my uncommunicative and reserved husband's willingness to see someone.
There were actually a few times in our marriage that we attended counseling. We saw a marriage counselor (who wasn't very good) for a while, we saw a sex therapist (who was somewhat helpful but glossed over some very important aspects of our sexual relationship), we saw a much better counselor a few years later in our relationship and my husband also saw her one on one for a while. If you ignore issues in your marriage and don't make efforts to fix them then your relationship will continue to grow more and more distant. I was lucky that my husband was willing to see someone and that he showed immense patience and understanding for my hounding and pestering him about our relationship. You can't force anyone to do these things against their will but you can communicate to them how important it is to your future that you work on your relationship and the way to do it is through dealing with issues head on.
When you know that the blockage he is facing is an emotional one it can create some extra stress for you too and all that worry you have about how much of his issues pertain to you might just come bubbling up and spilling over in a big outburst that has a lot of potential for making the situation worse. His ED is a symptom of his inability to dispose of all his mental baggage, so heaping your insecurities, accusations and anger on him will only serve in making his pile bigger. I know how terrifying it might seem to talk with your husband about what might be going on with him! My fear was that he would confirm all my deepest insecurities. I worried that he would rage at me and blame me for the ED even just to escape the accusations. Thankfully my fears were never realized in that way but he very well could have reacted much more poorly than he did. There was the potential for things to have gone very, very badly when the conversation was opened up. The one way I was able to keep some safety and distance for myself while still attempting to open conversation with my husband was to write it in a letter. To some this might seem like a bit of a cop out and not conversation at all but there are a number of reasons I believe this to be the best option.
For starters, a letter allows you to not get sidetracked by any number of different arguments. It makes sure you make all your points. Secondly, you can word things properly. Speaking to someone, off the cuff, about sensitive and emotional subjects has the potential for going terribly wrong. Conversation can very quickly get heated and hurtful. With an emotional issue, the last thing you want to do is add more emotional pain. In a letter you can take care to word your concerns in a kind and sensitive way that has a much better chance of being received favorably. Thirdly, when you write a letter, you know that you have been heard. With some people, (there are a few in my life) I know that almost every time we have a discussion they aren't really listening to what I'm saying. Many people have a tendency to hear the first few words of what you are saying, invent in their head what they think the rest of your point is, and spend the rest of the time you are talking to them thinking about how they will respond instead of really listening to you. In short, they miss the point. Letters are less easy to ignore and they can spend as much time as they like going over it and thinking about how to respond without the pressure of you standing right there waiting for an answer. You can then come to them at a later time to discuss what you wrote and their response to it. Do your best to be kind, considerate and try to give them the chance to be heard by truly listening to them.
I will cover some of the physical steps to recovering your sexual relationship in a follow up post but overcoming ED is a step by step process that takes time and patience. The first step was eliminating the physical causes, step two is emotional recovery. This is the most delicate portion that takes the most patience and where the most can go wrong. Try not to rush it and force faster healing. Your husband will need to be the guide during this portion of recovery since only he knows what is holding him back. Though it is frustrating to have so little control over a situation that effects you so much, your patience and understanding will be appreciated and are your best tool for helping your husband recover. If you need to vent at all, remember to do it with a safe person. My rule for finding a safe person is that they be very trustworthy and, if at all possible, outside the situation. This means that they don't know your husband (in that case I would be very willing to hear your venting). The most important rule I have is that the person you vent to must NOT be of the opposite sex! This is a must! I did not stick to this rule and it very nearly ruined my marriage and potentially my life. I promise to talk more about this later.
Best of luck and I pray that you are able to help aid your husband in his healing.
Is My Husband Impotent?
As the first year of our marriage progresses and our sex life didn't seem to improve I became more and more desperate for help. I did find a long list of possible causes of erectile dysfunction so I got started attempting to eliminate the ones that weren't factors and get to the bottom of what really was the cause. (Have I mentioned I'm a fixer?)
Unfortunately I believe this put a lot of pressure on my husband. Although I was trying to help and it was an issue that definitely needed to be dealt with my constantly bombarding him with questions was possibly not the best rout to take. Though I do believe that if I didn't put SOME pressure on him to work on the situation he would have avoided the topic entirely and nothing would have improved, I now know that I could have handled things a bit more delicately.
So, how should we as wives help our husband best overcome a season of erectile dysfunction?
There is also the possibility that the cause is medical. Even if this is the case there will most likely be some emotional aspect to his issues since having problems sexually is a big blow to a mans ego and that can compound the problem by causing him stress, worry and depression in and of itself. Mayo Clinic states that most cases of erectile dysfunction are caused by something physical. There is quite a number of possible causes for this. They list:
I just want to remind you that this is a very delicate and frustrating time for your husband. He might not be acting like "himself" and could be treating you with anger, resentment and indifference. It is important to have extra patience and sensitivity with him. Lashing out will make the situation worse. If you need a place to vent your frustration please do it in a way that will not come back to him. You do not want him to hear from a friend that you have been telling everyone all over town that he is having issues. That could cause him a lot of embarrassment and shame and that would be wrong of you to be unsupportive in that manner. If you do need to talk to someone make sure it is someone that you can really trust not to spread it around or someone who is completely outside of the situation as long as that person is NOT MALE! There are quite a few reasons for this piece of advice that I won't get into now but this is a VERY important point that I can't stress enough. Do not, under any circumstances talk to another man about your husband's sexual issues! Ideally you should talk with another Christian woman who understands not only the importance of marriage but also the importance of your relationship with God and will be able to pray over you. I was able to speak with my pastors wife during this time but if that is not an option for you, feel free to contact me. At least then you will know I understand where you're coming from. Things might seem bleak, but know that my marriage was able to recover even with fairly extreme circumstances. I have faith that yours can too.
Unfortunately I believe this put a lot of pressure on my husband. Although I was trying to help and it was an issue that definitely needed to be dealt with my constantly bombarding him with questions was possibly not the best rout to take. Though I do believe that if I didn't put SOME pressure on him to work on the situation he would have avoided the topic entirely and nothing would have improved, I now know that I could have handled things a bit more delicately.
So, how should we as wives help our husband best overcome a season of erectile dysfunction?
- Watch your language.
- Don't make it about you.
- Take a break before you talk to him.
- Know the possibilities.
There is also the possibility that the cause is medical. Even if this is the case there will most likely be some emotional aspect to his issues since having problems sexually is a big blow to a mans ego and that can compound the problem by causing him stress, worry and depression in and of itself. Mayo Clinic states that most cases of erectile dysfunction are caused by something physical. There is quite a number of possible causes for this. They list:
- Heart disease
- Clogged blood vessels (atherosclerosis)
- High cholesterol
- High blood pressure
- Diabetes
- Obesity
- Metabolic syndrome, a condition involving increased blood pressure, high insulin levels, body fat around the waist and high cholesterol
- Parkinson's disease
- Multiple sclerosis
- Low testosterone
- Peyronie's disease, development of scar tissue inside the penis
- Certain prescription medications
- Tobacco use
- Alcoholism and other forms of substance abuse
- Treatments for prostate cancer or enlarged prostate
- Surgeries or injuries that affect the pelvic area or spinal cord
I just want to remind you that this is a very delicate and frustrating time for your husband. He might not be acting like "himself" and could be treating you with anger, resentment and indifference. It is important to have extra patience and sensitivity with him. Lashing out will make the situation worse. If you need a place to vent your frustration please do it in a way that will not come back to him. You do not want him to hear from a friend that you have been telling everyone all over town that he is having issues. That could cause him a lot of embarrassment and shame and that would be wrong of you to be unsupportive in that manner. If you do need to talk to someone make sure it is someone that you can really trust not to spread it around or someone who is completely outside of the situation as long as that person is NOT MALE! There are quite a few reasons for this piece of advice that I won't get into now but this is a VERY important point that I can't stress enough. Do not, under any circumstances talk to another man about your husband's sexual issues! Ideally you should talk with another Christian woman who understands not only the importance of marriage but also the importance of your relationship with God and will be able to pray over you. I was able to speak with my pastors wife during this time but if that is not an option for you, feel free to contact me. At least then you will know I understand where you're coming from. Things might seem bleak, but know that my marriage was able to recover even with fairly extreme circumstances. I have faith that yours can too.
Great Expectations
As my wedding day began to loom on the horizon my excitement grew and grew. I know that many women look forward to and plan their wedding from a very early age and I was no exception. However, my hopes and dreams about my wedding were more related to the wedding night. For many reasons (that will become a post some other day) I had been saving myself for marriage but I also had a raging libido, held delicately in check. My wedding night was going to be the day I could finally let go and start to participate in this act that I though so often about. I was, in some ways prepared that things might not start out so well though. I was not under the illusion that the first time would be magical but I was still good and ready to get the show on the road.
My wedding day came, the day was beautiful! There were of course a few tinny snags that tend to be inevitable but over all it was just what I would have wanted. The reception ended, we waved goodbye to friends and family and off we drove to our hotel. I had a little something special to wear for the evening so with nervous excitement I headed into our bathroom. Though his reaction to my reveal might have seemed a little lack luster to me we began to kiss and fondle....and nothing happened. More kissing, more fondling, still nothing. No matter what we did my poor new husband just wasn't getting excited.
I put on my brave face and logically thought about the pressure and stress. I said something along the lines of, "It's alright, we have plenty of time to get it right." and as we rolled over to go to sleep I cried into my pillow at the disappointment of my dreams.
From our hotel room we went to the airport to head out on our tropical honeymoon. We spent the week basking in the sun, reading, swimming, dining, drinking, shopping and sightseeing. Though we had lots of fun our romantic interludes were awkward, nervous and mostly ineffectual. By the end of the week we might have managed penetration once or twice but we were unable to bring any of our sexual encounters to orgasm for him. In fact, I was unable to bring him to orgasm at all. Though I tried many methods. The most we were able to achieve for him was a semi erection.
Here I was, hormones raging, with the expectation that once I am married my husband will be hounding me for sex and that all of my pubescent urges will no longer need to be restrained only to discover that this whole sex thing isn't working like it's supposed to.
What does any woman with a delicate self esteem, poor confidence and body image issues do? She blames herself of course. Though we had a good trip, as a honeymoon it was, to me, a disaster! We came home with feelings hurt, tiptoeing around one another so as not to do more damage. I know that a mans ego is a delicate thing and this is my first piece of advice to you. Do not say anything in a negative way. If I would have turned to my husband that first week and said, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you get an erection? Aren't you a man?" I can imagine our marriage would have been very short lived. Instead I attempted to be encouraging (though I don't know how good I was at it or how much of it he saw through) and tried to not say anything that could have made the issue worse.
I have always been a bit of a fixer. That is one of the ways I've been told I am "like a man". If I am told of a problem I want to do something to resolve it. I am also not shy. So when we got home I went to work. I researched our "problem" to death. I asked him lots of questions and I tried to come up with new things to try. In fact I might recommend you don't do things quite the way I did. I'm afraid I might have almost been badgering him constantly. I believe that even though I was being "positive" I was still unrelenting. I think I was still putting lots of pressure on him even though I was doing it in an "encouraging" manner.
My research was rather frustrating! The only explanation I could find that seemed to fit in any way was impotence and even that didn't fit well. They talked about how this happens in older men, or men with illnesses and neither of these explanations fit. It started to make me feel more and more alone and worse and worse about myself. After all, if he wasn't impotent then it must be about me. I must not be attractive enough. I must be ugly, overweight and repulsive. I kept hoping that there would be another explanation or some other option. This is when I found a sex therapist in our area. I nervously called her and gave her some background on our situation and then settled into the idea of talking to my husband about the possibility of seeing this woman.
Thankfully my husband has always been very willing to do what it takes to stick to our marriage and make it work so miraculously he agreed to go. We spent many weeks speaking to this sex therapist and through the exercises and tips she gave us we were finally able to build our relationship to the point where I was able to bring my husband to orgasm on occasion.
Even though we were then able to work on our technique and become more and more comfortable with our sex life this did not fix all the emotional and mental hurts and scars that we had both built up over time. This includes emotional issues that preexisted each other.
I will go into greater detail about causes of some of these issues as well as how they were resolved but I wanted to share this story to show you a bit of how rough our start to marriage has been and to let you know that today we have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage relationship. This is to let you know that there is hope and that any situation is resolvable! We have gone on to have two adorable children and currently have a very fulfilling sex life, for both of us.
After many years of fumbling around the problems and working with a few therapists we have come to the conclusion that we just REALLY got off on the wrong foot. A combination of inexperience, nerves, a lower drive on his part and not overly sensitive genitals all lead to years of difficulty in the bedroom. In other words, once things went wrong, they really went wrong. My wish is that I had been even more aware that there will, most definitely, in every sexual relationship, be some type of difficulty that will need to slowly be worked out. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that, the first time is never magical. Every couple will need to discover what works best and what doesn't work at all. There will be a difference in your libido. Sometimes they will be slight differences and sometimes they will be vastly different but they will, for sure, be different to some degree. Try to take things in stride and go into marriage expecting problems. That way, when they come along, and they will come along, you are more prepared to deal with them.
My wedding day came, the day was beautiful! There were of course a few tinny snags that tend to be inevitable but over all it was just what I would have wanted. The reception ended, we waved goodbye to friends and family and off we drove to our hotel. I had a little something special to wear for the evening so with nervous excitement I headed into our bathroom. Though his reaction to my reveal might have seemed a little lack luster to me we began to kiss and fondle....and nothing happened. More kissing, more fondling, still nothing. No matter what we did my poor new husband just wasn't getting excited.
I put on my brave face and logically thought about the pressure and stress. I said something along the lines of, "It's alright, we have plenty of time to get it right." and as we rolled over to go to sleep I cried into my pillow at the disappointment of my dreams.
From our hotel room we went to the airport to head out on our tropical honeymoon. We spent the week basking in the sun, reading, swimming, dining, drinking, shopping and sightseeing. Though we had lots of fun our romantic interludes were awkward, nervous and mostly ineffectual. By the end of the week we might have managed penetration once or twice but we were unable to bring any of our sexual encounters to orgasm for him. In fact, I was unable to bring him to orgasm at all. Though I tried many methods. The most we were able to achieve for him was a semi erection.
Here I was, hormones raging, with the expectation that once I am married my husband will be hounding me for sex and that all of my pubescent urges will no longer need to be restrained only to discover that this whole sex thing isn't working like it's supposed to.
What does any woman with a delicate self esteem, poor confidence and body image issues do? She blames herself of course. Though we had a good trip, as a honeymoon it was, to me, a disaster! We came home with feelings hurt, tiptoeing around one another so as not to do more damage. I know that a mans ego is a delicate thing and this is my first piece of advice to you. Do not say anything in a negative way. If I would have turned to my husband that first week and said, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you get an erection? Aren't you a man?" I can imagine our marriage would have been very short lived. Instead I attempted to be encouraging (though I don't know how good I was at it or how much of it he saw through) and tried to not say anything that could have made the issue worse.
I have always been a bit of a fixer. That is one of the ways I've been told I am "like a man". If I am told of a problem I want to do something to resolve it. I am also not shy. So when we got home I went to work. I researched our "problem" to death. I asked him lots of questions and I tried to come up with new things to try. In fact I might recommend you don't do things quite the way I did. I'm afraid I might have almost been badgering him constantly. I believe that even though I was being "positive" I was still unrelenting. I think I was still putting lots of pressure on him even though I was doing it in an "encouraging" manner.
My research was rather frustrating! The only explanation I could find that seemed to fit in any way was impotence and even that didn't fit well. They talked about how this happens in older men, or men with illnesses and neither of these explanations fit. It started to make me feel more and more alone and worse and worse about myself. After all, if he wasn't impotent then it must be about me. I must not be attractive enough. I must be ugly, overweight and repulsive. I kept hoping that there would be another explanation or some other option. This is when I found a sex therapist in our area. I nervously called her and gave her some background on our situation and then settled into the idea of talking to my husband about the possibility of seeing this woman.
Thankfully my husband has always been very willing to do what it takes to stick to our marriage and make it work so miraculously he agreed to go. We spent many weeks speaking to this sex therapist and through the exercises and tips she gave us we were finally able to build our relationship to the point where I was able to bring my husband to orgasm on occasion.
Even though we were then able to work on our technique and become more and more comfortable with our sex life this did not fix all the emotional and mental hurts and scars that we had both built up over time. This includes emotional issues that preexisted each other.
I will go into greater detail about causes of some of these issues as well as how they were resolved but I wanted to share this story to show you a bit of how rough our start to marriage has been and to let you know that today we have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage relationship. This is to let you know that there is hope and that any situation is resolvable! We have gone on to have two adorable children and currently have a very fulfilling sex life, for both of us.
After many years of fumbling around the problems and working with a few therapists we have come to the conclusion that we just REALLY got off on the wrong foot. A combination of inexperience, nerves, a lower drive on his part and not overly sensitive genitals all lead to years of difficulty in the bedroom. In other words, once things went wrong, they really went wrong. My wish is that I had been even more aware that there will, most definitely, in every sexual relationship, be some type of difficulty that will need to slowly be worked out. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that, the first time is never magical. Every couple will need to discover what works best and what doesn't work at all. There will be a difference in your libido. Sometimes they will be slight differences and sometimes they will be vastly different but they will, for sure, be different to some degree. Try to take things in stride and go into marriage expecting problems. That way, when they come along, and they will come along, you are more prepared to deal with them.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Feeling Unintimate
Intimacy can be expressed in a number of different ways. The definition of intimate is:
Sometimes that connection can be thrown off track immediately. You just don't quite connect properly, you get a rocky start and can't quite find your grove when it comes to establishing a strong relationship. This was certainly the case for my husband and me.
Other times you can connect perfectly at first. Things can start out running smoothly but over the years you start doing different things, finding separate interests and putting less effort into your relationship. Then one day you realize you don't "know" this other person anymore.
You loose your intimacy.
I like the third definition of intimate, that it's of knowledge. It reminds me immediately of how the KJV of the Bible uses the word knew for when a couple has intercourse. It's the ultimate intimacy, a complete knowing.
You might find this a strange assessment but I think that regularity of a couple's intimacy is sort of a gage for the state of the relationship. Sort of like a gas gage is in a car. If you're running on empty (meaning not being intimate at all) the relationship is going to be spitting and sputtering along. Pretty soon it's going to die on the side of the road and could possibly do some deep and lasting damage to the vehicle. However, if you have a full tank of gas (read, getting it on a lot) you're relationship will run much more smoothly and you're going to make it a lot farther.
You might be thinking, "WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE! Are you saying that the more sex a couple has the more healthy the marriage?" I can see how you would get that idea but that's not exactly it. When you think about the way a gas gauge works this might become clearer. It really doesn't matter to the car if you have the tank filled up to the very top or if you have a half a tank. It's really just an indicator of how long it will be until you completely run out. If you fill it up every day or only when it drops down to a quarter tank... now that's up to you. If you keep putting it off and continue driving past gas stations though, you just might run out completely and a car really doesn't do much with no gas to make it go.
My husband and I had a car for a while with a broken gas gauge. One day as I was driving I got a little ding from the low fuel indicator but the little needle was still pointing at a half a tank. We then realized that the light was working but the needle was broken. Since it would be an expensive thing to fix and the car really wasn't worth a whole lot we decided we would have to go without this indicator. We then would need to reset the trip millage counter each time we filled up the tank. Then once we got over a certain number of kilometers (yep, we're from the great white North) we would have to fill up again. Our low fuel light became a back up warning. I think a lot of relationships work a little bit more like this car with the broken gauge. If you don't keep close track of how much is in the tank you don't realize you're approaching the danger zone until all sorts of little bells and lights go off and you're almost running on empty.
If you're like me you don't know a whole lot about mechanics. I can fill it up with gas, check the tire pressure and call CAA (that's roadside assistance for any of you non Canadians). I don't really know what's going on under the hood. For that reason, my husband patiently explained to me some issue about driving with low fuel. It went something like this, "Blah, blah, blah, gas gauge doesn't work. Blah, blah, blah, driving with less than a quarter tank is hard on the vehicle. Blah, blah, blah, try and fill it up more often. Really, when he talks about mechanical things it sounds like all the adults in Charley Brown. I did get the gist of it though. If I want the vehicle not to break down, if I don't want to go to all the extra inconvenience and expense of taking it to get fixed, I'll fill it up more often so it will work at it's best.
Well, I don't know of a better analogy for a marriage! If you don't want your marriage to break down, if you don't want to go through all the inconvenience and expense of fixing what you could have prevented breaking in the first place, you need to fill up your marriage more regularly so it works at it's best.
I know a lot of women (I admit, before my lecture I was one of these myself) that drive around in their cars and only fill up that tank at the very last minute. I mean, coast into that gas station on fumes, last minute. Sometimes we tend to treat husbands in the same way. You know it's been a while since you were intimate last time but the dishes still need to be done, there is a few loads of laundry that should get washed, the kids made a huge mess and there is a meeting coming up that you said you would bring a snack for. He can wait another night, right? And you coast past another gas station.
Sure, there is lots of things that could use your attention. There are a lot of people pulling you in different directions. We women are multitaskers so your mind is going a mile a minute but what is the vehicle that gets you to your destination? Isn't the support you rely on to get you through the tough times your husband? If it isn't, then it should be and we will try to correct things to get you there. Your marriage is your vehicle, the gas that makes it go is your relationship. The more time you spend "running on empty" the harder on the relationship it will be. I'm not saying you have to keep the tank full to overflowing all the time but putting a few liters (once again, Canadian) in on a regular basis will go a long way towards making your relationship...go a long way.
So how do we "fill up the tank" of our relationship? One simple, yet VERY effective way is sex. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and intimate with your husband does a lot to connect the two of you together (literally) and to creating trust and happiness in your relationship. Being intimate might be the last thing you feel like doing (I'm going to be talking a lot more about this subject) but if you do take the time to make sure you are being intimate regularly and constantly it WILL improve the quality of your relationship and make your marriage run more smoothly. The more intimate you are with your spouse, the more you will learn to trust one another. The deeper the trust between you, the greater the support in times of trouble. If you want your husband to be there for you, if you want your relationship to carry you through life, then you need to make sure you're investing in the relationship yourself. You need to remind him often that you are with him. The easiest and most effective way is to allow yourself to be intimate with him.
There can be a LOT of different factors that go into why a couple stops being intimate. I understand this, I've been there. I will be talking about a lot of these factors from a few different perspectives and if you have any specific concerns you would like to discuss you can email me. What we must realize however, is intimacy IS and integral part of a marital relationship. If you want to have a healthy marriage, this is an aspect that WILL be part of it. So whatever the hang ups and setbacks, if you know you are not being intimate very often (or at all) it's time to take steps towards resolving the issues that prevent it. If you don't, you will find your marriage dead on the side of a road someplace and at that point your husband might not be willing to come give you a tow.
- Closely acquainted; familiar, close.
- Private and personal.
- (of knowledge) detailed: thorough.
Sometimes that connection can be thrown off track immediately. You just don't quite connect properly, you get a rocky start and can't quite find your grove when it comes to establishing a strong relationship. This was certainly the case for my husband and me.
Other times you can connect perfectly at first. Things can start out running smoothly but over the years you start doing different things, finding separate interests and putting less effort into your relationship. Then one day you realize you don't "know" this other person anymore.
You loose your intimacy.
I like the third definition of intimate, that it's of knowledge. It reminds me immediately of how the KJV of the Bible uses the word knew for when a couple has intercourse. It's the ultimate intimacy, a complete knowing.
You might find this a strange assessment but I think that regularity of a couple's intimacy is sort of a gage for the state of the relationship. Sort of like a gas gage is in a car. If you're running on empty (meaning not being intimate at all) the relationship is going to be spitting and sputtering along. Pretty soon it's going to die on the side of the road and could possibly do some deep and lasting damage to the vehicle. However, if you have a full tank of gas (read, getting it on a lot) you're relationship will run much more smoothly and you're going to make it a lot farther.
You might be thinking, "WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE! Are you saying that the more sex a couple has the more healthy the marriage?" I can see how you would get that idea but that's not exactly it. When you think about the way a gas gauge works this might become clearer. It really doesn't matter to the car if you have the tank filled up to the very top or if you have a half a tank. It's really just an indicator of how long it will be until you completely run out. If you fill it up every day or only when it drops down to a quarter tank... now that's up to you. If you keep putting it off and continue driving past gas stations though, you just might run out completely and a car really doesn't do much with no gas to make it go.
My husband and I had a car for a while with a broken gas gauge. One day as I was driving I got a little ding from the low fuel indicator but the little needle was still pointing at a half a tank. We then realized that the light was working but the needle was broken. Since it would be an expensive thing to fix and the car really wasn't worth a whole lot we decided we would have to go without this indicator. We then would need to reset the trip millage counter each time we filled up the tank. Then once we got over a certain number of kilometers (yep, we're from the great white North) we would have to fill up again. Our low fuel light became a back up warning. I think a lot of relationships work a little bit more like this car with the broken gauge. If you don't keep close track of how much is in the tank you don't realize you're approaching the danger zone until all sorts of little bells and lights go off and you're almost running on empty.
If you're like me you don't know a whole lot about mechanics. I can fill it up with gas, check the tire pressure and call CAA (that's roadside assistance for any of you non Canadians). I don't really know what's going on under the hood. For that reason, my husband patiently explained to me some issue about driving with low fuel. It went something like this, "Blah, blah, blah, gas gauge doesn't work. Blah, blah, blah, driving with less than a quarter tank is hard on the vehicle. Blah, blah, blah, try and fill it up more often. Really, when he talks about mechanical things it sounds like all the adults in Charley Brown. I did get the gist of it though. If I want the vehicle not to break down, if I don't want to go to all the extra inconvenience and expense of taking it to get fixed, I'll fill it up more often so it will work at it's best.
Well, I don't know of a better analogy for a marriage! If you don't want your marriage to break down, if you don't want to go through all the inconvenience and expense of fixing what you could have prevented breaking in the first place, you need to fill up your marriage more regularly so it works at it's best.
I know a lot of women (I admit, before my lecture I was one of these myself) that drive around in their cars and only fill up that tank at the very last minute. I mean, coast into that gas station on fumes, last minute. Sometimes we tend to treat husbands in the same way. You know it's been a while since you were intimate last time but the dishes still need to be done, there is a few loads of laundry that should get washed, the kids made a huge mess and there is a meeting coming up that you said you would bring a snack for. He can wait another night, right? And you coast past another gas station.
Sure, there is lots of things that could use your attention. There are a lot of people pulling you in different directions. We women are multitaskers so your mind is going a mile a minute but what is the vehicle that gets you to your destination? Isn't the support you rely on to get you through the tough times your husband? If it isn't, then it should be and we will try to correct things to get you there. Your marriage is your vehicle, the gas that makes it go is your relationship. The more time you spend "running on empty" the harder on the relationship it will be. I'm not saying you have to keep the tank full to overflowing all the time but putting a few liters (once again, Canadian) in on a regular basis will go a long way towards making your relationship...go a long way.
So how do we "fill up the tank" of our relationship? One simple, yet VERY effective way is sex. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and intimate with your husband does a lot to connect the two of you together (literally) and to creating trust and happiness in your relationship. Being intimate might be the last thing you feel like doing (I'm going to be talking a lot more about this subject) but if you do take the time to make sure you are being intimate regularly and constantly it WILL improve the quality of your relationship and make your marriage run more smoothly. The more intimate you are with your spouse, the more you will learn to trust one another. The deeper the trust between you, the greater the support in times of trouble. If you want your husband to be there for you, if you want your relationship to carry you through life, then you need to make sure you're investing in the relationship yourself. You need to remind him often that you are with him. The easiest and most effective way is to allow yourself to be intimate with him.
There can be a LOT of different factors that go into why a couple stops being intimate. I understand this, I've been there. I will be talking about a lot of these factors from a few different perspectives and if you have any specific concerns you would like to discuss you can email me. What we must realize however, is intimacy IS and integral part of a marital relationship. If you want to have a healthy marriage, this is an aspect that WILL be part of it. So whatever the hang ups and setbacks, if you know you are not being intimate very often (or at all) it's time to take steps towards resolving the issues that prevent it. If you don't, you will find your marriage dead on the side of a road someplace and at that point your husband might not be willing to come give you a tow.
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