Tuesday, January 28, 2014

In The Beginning

Marriage doesn't come naturally.  Sex isn't always easy and expectations hardly ever become reality.  This is something that can quite often surprise us.  I know I was shocked when all my dreams and fantasies of married life started to look more like nightmares in my first year as a wife.  There are certain expectations we have.  We make plans for the future and how we want our lives to look but when you enter into marriage you enter a partnership with a person that has different ideas, different desires and different dreams, not to mention different plumbing.  Figuring out how to mesh your plans and ideas doesn't always come easily and you can quickly learn that you can not control this other person and bend them to your will.  Well, you might be able to but I don't know if that's really in your best interest in the long run. 

My marriage was certainly surprising in the first year.  Not because we didn't get along or because living with him was tough.  What caused us the most trouble was navigating this new world of sex. 

Everything we come across on TV, the movies, radio and even in the church can lead us to believe that sex is easy.  It happens naturally and your bodies just know what to do.  We also are told by everything around us that men are mostly like animals.  They want it all the time and they will do whatever it takes to get it.  This is not the case in my marriage.

I have a strong libido.  My libido is stronger than my husbands.  Not only that but there have been performance issues with our relationship to the point that for years we were living in a sexless marriage.  I was desperate for help.  I felt cheated, angry, self conscious, depressed and very much alone.  I felt isolated by the "rejection" of my husband and I felt like roommates with this man I was supposed to share my life with.

As a result of these problems I made many mistakes.  I did damage to myself, him and our relationship and I see it as nothing short of a miracle that we are not only still together today but we have come so far in our healing, we have children, we are loving to one another and actually have a fulfilling sex life.

In the midst of our problems I did what I end to do with any problem, research.  I tried to find help in the easiest (and most discreet) way possible, the internet.  I did find a lot of information but none that fit me.  Nothing that helped me understand my own difficulties.  That left me feeling like I was the only woman out there with a higher drive than her husband and I had the only husband who was under 50 and experiencing Erectile Dysfunction.  In short I felt very alone, and like a sex crazed freak. 

What I know now is there are other women out there like me.  There are wives that feel alone, undesirable and unloved in their marriage.  My heart breaks for you.  I have been in your shoes and I want to offer you the hope that you too can have a healthy, happy, loving and fulfilling marriage too.  I also want to help you take a more direct rout to reach your destination than I did.  I don't want you to lash out in your brokenness and create more issues to resolve. 

I also believe that you married that person for a reason.  I know you love them deep down, even though at this moment you might not feel it.  I am certain that the best thing for you is to work on the relationship you have rather than looking for a new one to replace it.  That might be the last thing you want to hear in the midst your hurt and anger but I promise you that leaving will not fix your heart.  It will not make your problems go away.  In order for you to be healthy and happy you will eventually need to deal with the problems in your life.  A new relationship might seem like a good idea at the time but I promise you that relationship will end up just as broken, just as full of hurt and just as disappointing.  Plus, you made a vow before God to be with this person until death parts you.  If it is your choice to break that covenant you then have to deal with God.  If you stay in the relationship you originally committed to I will grantee that with God on your side there is nothing your marriage can't come back from.  NOTHING!  If you leave though, you're on your own. 

I don't know about you but I would far rather work on what I've got with the promise that it can be beautiful than scrap it for something almost certain fail.

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